When You Lose Man's Best Friend
It’s almost been a full week. Wednesday, November 9, 2022 my sweet Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, Bailey, passed away in his sleep. It was a sudden death, the kind that you never see coming, the kind that makes you feel guilt and bitterness while every one around you says it is a blessing. They are right, passing in your sleep without knowledge is a blessing but it was incredible heartache for me.
I have keened, then sobbed, then cried, now the tears come but they are manageable. I think this is what moving through the 7 stages of grief feels like so I know it is progress, at least. People never quite understand pet loss. I remember telling a high school friend who also lost her Cavalier that I felt people just didn’t want to be around us as a family. We weren’t “upbeat or fun” as the loss seemed to leak out of our pores and hang in the air. It affected every single soul in our home, all the way down to our 4 year old Deutsch Langhaar, Killian. When I walked into a room I felt that my sadness shifted the overall feeling and so I stayed home.
The stress caused loss of sleep, hair loss, and a continuous headache that never went away. I was so tired and distraught. And yet, my family and friends let me feel this immense grief. They sat quietly with me in person and on the phone while I sobbed. They sent texts to check on my mental health that day. They hugged me when I felt like I was falling apart during times in my schedule where I would have taken care of Bailey, this was mostly at breakfast and before bed. They let me cry through sharing stories and for all this I am grateful.
Almost a full week, I have tried to pull myself out of the depression. I cannot wallow in grief, I have to rejoin society mostly because people depend on me. I have an office job and a team at work, I am a mother and a wife. I volunteer in my community and the Nashville community. Even though the tears are not visible my chest still hurts at times. I find if I just whisper into the world, say the words “I miss you today Bailey” it helps release the pent up grief. I grabbed my nearest journal and started writing how I felt that day which also helped to understand why or what was making me feel lonely.
I gathered all of Bailey’s things, his most beloved toys, his thunder shirt that carried him through many plane rides across the world. I folded his sweaters he would wear during the colder months, added his collar and leash. His breakfast bowl that held many meals and multiple ice cream or whipped cream pup cups that brought him visible joy. They sit in a temporary box for the moment until I find something more permanent, grief is all about baby steps. I tried to pick up Bailey’s favorite dog bed but Killian will not have it. He sleeps with this little bed as if it is a lifeline, a 70 pound dog holding onto it as if it would be life or death to let it go. It has become a new lovey, so that has stayed in our family room.
I am hoping the fog of grief will lift but for now the pieces of Bailey arriving in the mail or at the Vet’s office has forced me to make some decisions. I started to consider what to do with Bailey’s ashes (we had him cremated) and how I wanted to memorialize the big life he lived. I am hoping by sharing my ideas, other pet owners who are experiencing loss will find comfort and joy after the house has become quiet, the toys packed away, and the extra things donated.
It’s Okay to Grieve
I hate when people say “well, it was just a dog” or just a cat or just a bird. The animal wasn’t “just” something to you. In our home Bailey was so much more than that. He was the one that curled up next to you when you were sick. He waited patiently for me when I would leave the room like the devoted friend he was. He would bark at anything he felt was a threat to his family, always a faithful watchdog on the job. When your shadow is no longer under your feet the grief is overwhelming. I struggled to process the loss.
Here is what helped…
Social Media: I say this because I felt like I was the only one who felt this great loss for a pet. After looking on Facebook, Instagram, and Tik Tok it turns out there are many shelter dog, pure bred, and even Cavalier King Charles Spaniel owners out there grieving loss too. I ran across another couple in a Facebook group who lost their sweet Cavi the day before we lost Bailey. We grieved together. There is something powerful and healing about moving through loss with others. Being able to talk with people who knew exactly how I felt in that moment was huge in helping me heal.
Books: Believe it or not there are books out there that discuss the process of healing from pet loss. The two I really liked for adults were “The Pet Loss Companion” by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio and “Goodbye, Friend” by Gary Kowalski. There are also great books on Amazon or at your local bookstore to help children process the loss of their family pet. “The Invisible Leash” was one children’s book that had 5 stars and 1,226 reviews. If you want a great read on a life well lived “Gizelle’s Bucket List” by Fern Watt was wonderful as well, a story for anyone who has had a pet and who has loved and lost.
Grief Hot line: I never knew this but many states offer a pet grief hotline. If you would like to reach out to someone in your local area just google the state you reside in along with key works “grief hotline” to get a list of phone numbers. Of course the National Crisis Hotline (800) 273-8255 is always available 24/7 with trained volunteers. They are there to help you get through the challenge of pet loss. If text is your preferred choice the Crisis Text Line - Text HOME to 741-741 will link you with trained crisis intervention counselors also available 24/7. They have the resources to also connect you with the appropriate support agencies where applicable for follow-up care. Lap of Love Pet Loss and Bereavement Resource Line (855)352-5683 specifically helps those with pet loss. The line is available to grieving individuals from 10 am to 9 pm EST every weekday. This hotline doesn’t offer crisis intervention but rather a resource line that can connect you to certified grief companions specialized in dealing with pet loss. The fee for a one-on-one session is $50, or you can connect with an online grief support group free of charge.
Plan a Memorial Service
Bailey was a 14 pound dog with a big dog heart. He was convinced he was a hunting dog, even from a young age, always outdoors. Forever a daredevil that required watching so he didn’t jump off heights he couldn’t quite stick a landing on or flush out an animal that might be bigger than himself.
We do own a German hunting dog that requires testing so, two years ago, Jon decided to look for safe swimming areas to train Killian for water retrieval. There were two places Jon really loved, so this spring through fall, early every Saturday morning we would pack up the truck, put on our water shoes, and drive out to our pups swimming holes. While Jon trained with Killian I would wade across the river to a little island holding Bailey the whole way. He was so excited, to get there faster, he would start dog paddling even though he wasn’t touching the water. Needless to say it would result in many giggles managing wadding through water up to my waist and the frantic wiggles of an excited pup.
Once at our destination I would take Bailey off leash and he would go exploring. He sniffed every piece of grass, ran laps to whatever spot gave him the best view to bark at Killian retrieving his training toy, ran up muddy banks just to slide back down into the water, and would wade out far enough to swim in the calm little bodies of water I allowed him in. Once training was sufficiently completed and everyone tired we’d walk back up to the truck, stopping by the park ranger table for a few belly scratches before heading to Chick-Fil-A for breakfast and pup cups.
Saturday mornings at the river brought him complete joy.
When Bailey passed I knew right away that a memorial service was important. I also knew I wanted to cremate him and spread some of his ashes at his favorite swimming spot. With the family in agreement we decided a day in July when the mornings are warm we will honor Bailey’s life. It will include Killian swimming before we officially spread his ashes. I know we will share stories, scripture, poems, and prayers. The poem “Dog Hair” will be read to explain our grief followed by “When Tomorrow Starts Without Me” another poem to bring peace. I am gathering what I would like to say in a small notebook, I have 8 months to fill its pages before making final choices.
I plan to place a rock on the island with his name and dates before we go. Something that won’t hurt the ecosystem built around that island. I know as time passes this rock will wash away with the rising water from rain as summer weather battles with fall, but for a brief moment people will hopefully see his name and know what an important spot it was for him and for us.
Remembering Your Best Friend at Home
I mentioned above that vet offices will offer many options when it comes to memorializing your pet. I wanted to have homes for some of these items before they arrived, placing them with intention. Here are the six things I have purchased or created to remember out best good boy.
Pet Paw Print: Our vet office offered only an ink print but I have heard of people creating casts of a pets paw on plaster type stepping stones. Whatever your vet office provides, take it. Even being incredibly distraught I am thankful I answered yes to everything offered. Pet print - yes. Hair - yes. Cremation information - yes. Temporary box - yes.
Ornament: this category was incredibly overwhelming in the respect that the choices are so many and the ornaments so good. I chose to support small business, turning to Etsy where I found a local silhouette artist who specialized in people and pets. Meiska at Thistle Cottage Home was so understanding of how important this project was and how many I needed. She immediately took the request on and even used the few profile pictures I had of Bailey. The ornaments come framed in a handmade gold or silver oval made of wood and tied with a ribbon, ready for hanging. I have ordered two, one will permanently hang on Bailey’s urn and the other is going to be added to our Christmas collection. However, these silhouette ornaments would look beautiful hanging on the wall or on a dresser knob. The possibilities of display are endless.
Memorial Jewelry: This is another category that offers so much variety. You have to decide if you want to include hair, ashes, or both. From there you need to know if you’d like a bracelet, ring, or necklace. I knew right away that I wanted to wear something that brought me joy so I opted for an antique locket where I could place a photo on one side and a small locket of fur in the other. The exact bird locket in my layout is what I purchased from a seller in the UK on Etsy. I felt it was perfect because of its front design and how it hides well what is inside. Just as the cardinal can be a sign from those we loved who have past, I loved the bird on the front of this one. It is not a cardinal but I felt the sentiment was the same.
Urn: I knew whatever permanent urn I chose had to be handmade from a small business. So, like 95% of what is in this layout I turned to Etsy for something unique. I loved the look of hand thrown pottery with the dates and name etched, however, the more I looked around my house the more I realized it would stick out like a sore thumb. So I chose a small business, Cornflower Ceramics, out of the UK who makes Foo Dog urns. I felt the lion was a great nod to Baileys brave and fierce spirit and a good way to place ashes without it looking like ashes reside inside.
Planting Something in Memory: I thought about a tree but I knew it couldn’t be on my property as our home has 4 large trees already. I did know I wanted something that I could visit, tend to, and would bring me joy. My favorite flowers in the whole world are hydrangeas and peonies so I decided when the season to plant arrives next year I want to add in a hydrangea into my back yard garden. I know every time I cut a beautiful bloom for a center piece or sit on my back porch I will think of him. I have kicked around the idea of adding a memorial marker in Bailey’s name but haven’t committed yet.
Art: From the time that little love nugget entered my life I knew I wanted a piece of art with the subject being Bailey. So I decided a great addition was to find an artist who specializes in oil (that has always been my favorite medium) and could paint something that resembles an old British estate or French Chateau. There is a wonderful artist on Etsy with a store named JK Fine Arts Gallery. I have looked through past work and read reviews. As of this post I haven’t ordered anything yet but I am planning to in the near future. I have high hopes his work will be a treasured piece in my home.
Remembering Your Best Friend in the Community
I am a firm believer that good deserves good and a life lived as sweetly as Bailey’s deserves a great memorial to helping other dogs. Its a small way for me to honor his life. Here are a few ways I am looking to honoring my best dog friend in our community:
Donations: Money, Food, Supplies - Shelters and rescues can use the donations of funds, food, and supplies. I called my local shelter and found that food was a number one need, so I purchased a few bags and cans of food to be donated and dropped them off. Funds wise I want to donate to a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel rescue that might be dealing with vet bills from a pup who is blind, needs medications, or has a heart issue. Cavaliers can come with hefty medical bills so knowing I was able to help another pup live a long life is a perfect way to honor my sweet little guy.
Volunteer: Shelter - I have to admit I haven’t given my time, but I think if money is not something easily able to be given your time is. Please know that your volunteer time to walk a dog, clean out a cage, and show some love is worth just as much if not more than a check or food donation. I have never met a shelter worker that didn’t appreciate an extra set of hands.
Create a Book of Stories: Let family and friends share their stories of your pet - This is a fun idea and honestly, when Bailey passed, something I appreciated. You never realize that the Kindergarten German children in your village that would walk your baby or the people who visited your home would remember your pets warm greetings. Let your village share their memories with you, I encourage you to write them down in a notebook to be read later. Bailey had many stories of walks, hunting, swimming, playing, greeting, his love of food, and working at our German-American thrift store with me when I would volunteer. I had forgotten how many lives he touched and how sorry others were for our loss.